When I was young I used to fear horror stories about multo, aswang, and the likes. There was even a time, from grade 1 until I'm grade six I guess, that I have this stuffed toy -a dog which I got from my sister. A gift that was given to her when she was still a baby. This has been my constant companion at night especially when I am staying at the province with my grannies. Way back, I was thinking that when I place it on top of my heart they (the tiktik..whatever!) won’t be able to snatch my heart like what we see in movies.
Yeah..crazy.. but that what I was thinking before :)
Now that I'm a grown up, suddenly my fears have changed. Creatures of the night would no longer make me tremble, though ghost stories will still startle me at times.
It’s because when your old, things get complicated and reality bites. Losing someone you love would be your greatest fear, especially when you know it’s unavoidable and its coming soon.
That's why I when I used to pray before my mom died I am not asking for a miracle not that I don’t believe in it but I know the fact that it doesn’t always happen the same time when you want it to happen. So what I am asking before was just an extension of her life. I was reasoning out that I am not yet ready, my siblings, my dad we are all not ready. But when it had happened last Aug 26th, I realized that I can never be ready neither do they. We would have waited after a year or 2 years but the pain will still be the same.
Sometimes I still ask why it had happened and lots of what if's are also running on my head. But then again I know that answers will come if not today. I know it will...
If there's one good thing I learned from it, is that me and my family are surrounded by good relatives, friends, and neighbors who are all willing to help and empathize.
I know the hurting is not done and I don’t know if it will end. I know that there will be days when it will hurt more. Moms are supposed to be alive forever. It’s not enough that they have taught you all the values which would be important for you to run your life. It’s different if you'll hear it from them over and over again. No assurance is better unless it would come from her.
I love you ma, happy birthday!
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